Oh boy. We were scheduled to have a court date tomorrow, but it seems from the 2nd police report Sami obtained that the police have found Y’s mother. They arrested and then released her, and Sami has been ordered to bring her to court on the 15th so that she can sign away her rights to the baby, or reclaim him.
If they can’t find her to bring her to court on the 15th and she doesn’t relinquish him they will publish information and a request for her to come to court in a local newspaper, and after 15 days if she doesn’t make contact then they will declare him a ward of the state again.
Sami has spoken to her and she has confirmed that she doesn’t want Y and wants him to be raised by someone else and is happy for it to be us. From what I understand, it is normal for mothers not to come to court because they’re scared of being arrested again, so it’s unlikely that she’ll show up on the 15th.
I asked what will happen if she does come and she’s changed her mind and wants him back. Basically, she is not allowed (by law) to see the baby before signing her relinquishment, and if she says she wants him back she has to prove that she has the means and willing to care for him. The authorities don’t look kindly on this, as far as they’re concerned she’s already proven herself to be an unfit mother by leaving him in the first place.
I am very torn. It is devastating that poverty has left this woman so desperate that she abandoned her new-born baby. I wish that things were different and that he could be raised by his own mother and that there was no need for him to be adopted. BUT I want him to be our son so badly it actually hurts a bit, and I am TERRIFIED of her taking him back. I don’t think I could bear it.
And then I have so many more questions I need to resolve in my own mind. If she does relinquish him and everything goes ahead as planned, now that she is real and not just an abstract figure who can never be traced, should I try and contact her? Meet her? I need to know as much as I can about her and Y’s father so I can tell him when he’s older. Will he want to try and find them one day? If he does, should I try and maintain contact with them for the next 18 years so that his search will be much easier? What if he has siblings? Should T and I go and see the place where she lives? From what I understand she’s from the country not Addis itself. If we maintain any kind of relationship/contact with her, should we bring Y to visit her when he’s older? Would that be a positive thing to do or bewilder and hurt him? T and I never wanted an open adoption of any kind so this is quite stressful and confusing. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself and she will disappear into the breeze and that will be that.
I have asked Sami to ask her some basic questions, but honestly, I have no idea how we’re meant to proceed and what the right thing to do in this situation is.
desperateinthedesert 
Oh my goodness. You have so much to think about and worry about right now. I am not sure I can take another disappointment for you either (I’ve been routing for you ever since I started following your blog. When you don’t post I wonder how you’re doing). I am soooo hoping this is it.
I am going to tell you my opinion and you can do with it what you will (it’s only an opinion and I don’t want you to think I’m telling you what to do. I don’t even know what I would actually do if I was in your position. You are a strong woman and I admire you so much). When I was younger, my father abandoned us. There was always a longing to find out what kind of person he is… not that I wanted him back, I just wanted to know. I wished so badly that my mom could tell me more about him, about his family history, about his parents and my aunts and uncles? Now that I’m an adult, I still wonder. Like for instance, I have PCOS, that didn’t come from my mother’s side, so who has it on my fathers? Did they struggle with infertility too? I don’t know any of them. I have the means now to contact him and I have chosen not to, but knowing these things would just help me.
I’m praying this works out for you and if she gives up all rights, I agree- don’t worry about her. She will be able to live with the decision that she did the right thing for him because you guys are a loving couple. I think, based on my own experience he is going to want to know things. Maybe he won’t want to see her, but what if he wants to know his family history? Or what they’re like? I don’t think you have to keep in touch with her, but I do think finding out all the little things for him right now and writing them down may be a good thing. It’s a good thing that you are having Sami ask a few questions. I think finding out as much as you can, someday if he wants to know, you’ll be able to tell him.
I’ll be thinking about you the next few days. Just by reading this post, I know you’ll be an amazing mom to him, you already love him so much. Hugs!
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I really want to be able to tell him about his biological parents, and I don’t want to think that we could have done more to help him if he wants to seek them out when he’s older, but equally I don’t want them to be too present in his life as he grows up. It’s really difficult. I’m sure I would want to see pictures of my biological parents if I were adopted.
I think I’ll try and find out as much as I can about her and take it from there and wait and see. Thanks for your support and for sharing your experience.
I know what you mean about having too much contact. I don’t think I’d ever be able to do an open adoption. There are just too many variables that could hurt. You’re welcome for my perspective. I think you have a good plan about finding all that you can and then take it from there. Thinking of you.
I agree with Heather – I’d wait to see what Sami finds out. I’d also go with your gut. Remember to think of these decisions as if you are making them for your own child. You are clearly a person who takes everyone’s feelings into consideration, but this is a time to be selfish about your family and your potential son’s feelings. She chose to abandon him somewhere he would be found, in hopes that he would have a better life than she was able to give him. Don’t worry too much about how she is feeling in the situation, and focus on what is important to you and T and how you want to bring up your son!
My thoughts are with both of you and wish you well in this exciting and complicated journey!
Thanks B. The thing I’m most worried about is not doing enough to get information for him to tell him when he’s older. I know he’ll want to know who he is and where he came from, but I don’t know where the balance lies in protecting him, us, and what’s appropriate. It is complicated!
I think information about his country and heritage will be more important than details about his direct family. Just my opinion.
Good luck with all the decisions you have coming up for you. I wish all the best!
That’s a lot to think about. My thoughts are to wait and see what Sami finds out, if he is able to get any answers from the mom, and then go from there.
My thoughts are with you.
Thank you. Nothing I can do but wait and see. Thanks for the support.